Busting Through The Awkwardness

Preface: If you're an extrovert, you may want to skip this... unless you are surrounded by introvert youth volunteers who need help connecting with students.

Unless you're a flaming extrovert, you probably have noticed that painful awkwardness when trying to connect with new students. I've listed 5 techniques that have made that initial conversation a springboard for great relational youth ministry.

1. New students of the same gender

Guys are my target when greeting students. I try to let the female leaders meet the female students. I always focus on the guys.

I don't ask for his name, school or grade right away. I know that will come through the natural course of the conversation.

I do look for signs of easy connections I can make.

• Do I know students he's with? I can talk to them and ask them (in front of him) to introduce me - that builds instant rapport by using them as my "Trojan Horse" to get passed any walls he may normally have up when talking to a dorky adult at church
• Is he wearing clues to his identity (athletic jersey, high school team sweatshirt, class ring, etc.) - Students love to talk about themselves (actually this is true of all age groups). If they're wearing anything that indicates their interests or involvement, that's my Trojan Horse
• Does his demeanor give him away - is he sad, apparently lonely, excited, feeling awkward (wall flower), angry - use that to get inside - I use that as the conversation starter

2. New students of the opposite gender

I don't have long conversations with them unless others are in on it.

I do talk long enough to get some basic rapport going. I use that information to introduce her to a female volunteer who would be a good match to what I learned about her.

3. New students who are brought by their parents

I don't assume the student wants to be there.

I don't overload them with every program and calendar activity we have to offer. I give all of that to the parents (or introduce them to somebody who will and I'll take the student a different direction. Some students won't open up until their parents are gone - especially if they're forced to be there. If you "rescue" them from their "embarrassing" parents (sorry parents), they'll instantly be appreciative (many times)).

I do find out his story. I'll ask him what brought him there and how he feels about it. I love when the student came as a result of a move because I can briefly share my story about moving as a teenager and how it felt. That's a story of pain we can share that's incredibly useful in building a connection.

I ALWAYS apply #5 below to students who are accompanied by their parents.

4. Non-responsive students

I'm never offended by their non-responsiveness or apparent mood (anger, depression, disinterest - more of an action than a mood)

I do greet them every time they show up and try to strike up a conversation by using the steps in #5 below. I know that eventually they'll warm up to a consistent, non-judgmental adult who is always friendly

5. All students (even the ones I know)

Like I mentioned above, I don't ask a person's name, school or grade right away. Those are the questions they expect to get asked. You probably won't remember the answers until you really get to know the student, anyway. Through the course of getting to know the student, you'll learn that information.

I do ask insider questions. Insider questions are like Trojan Horses (as I mentioned above). They help you get passed the walls students normally put up until they feel comfortable with you. These are questions that get to the heart of a person's feelings and responses to life.

A poor example of this type of question is, "Do you have any pets?" It's random and if he says, "No," the conversation just hit a roadblock.

However, one of my favorite insider question is, "You must love your dog. What kind do you have?" On the surface, that's not an insider question. However, the fact that this stranger's dark-colored shirt is covered with light-colored animal hair makes it an insider question because I used information readily available to move into something I know he must care deeply about.

The idea behind the insider question is that the student responds with a story instead of a one-word answer. The result of insider questions is a meaningful conversation that pulls students in, creates a memorable experience and paves the way for deeper ministry to happen.